As an infant, I was baptized into the Lutheran Faith. Up until I entered the 7th grade, my exposure to church and faith didn't really go much beyond "God doesn't like it when you lie, Melissa. Do you want to go to hell?" My mom used to say that often. We didn't go to church, but she played that God card every single time I made a mistake. Which, admittedly, was often. I wasn't an easy kid.
In 7th grade, I started going to Confirmation Classes. It was then that the fire was ignited within me. I began to regularly attend church, often alone as neither one of my parents were too keen on church. I sang in the church choir, taught Sunday School and Vacation Bible School, played the keyboard, spoke in services, the list goes on. God was working in my life. And I was on a path that I was sure was pleasing to God.
Of course, Satan wasn't having any of that. He began working overtime in my life. He had no shortage of assistance in his attempts to lure me away from Christ. And, when I was 18, he succeeded. At 18, I found myself lost, confused and trapped in an abusive relationship. The guy I was seeing was awful. I was beaten on a daily basis. I had a gun held to my head. My life threatened. One night, I found myself pinned to the floor, my boyfriend on top of me in a drunken stupor. He had a knife pressed to my throat. I remember praying to God to please help me get out of that situation. Please let my neighbor hear my scream. Let my dad call. And as the days went on, I prayed that someone would notice the bruises on my face and neck. I prayed that someone would reach out to me and save me. No one did. So, I decided that this whole belief that there was this God that could protect us, that would save us, love us, was nothing more than a joke. There was no God. Because if there was, God wouldn't have let this man do the things that he did during the 2 years we were together. God hated me. I was sure of it.
Over the next 14 or so years, I would make one bad choice after another. I dated guys who used me, abused me, destroyed me. I hurt people that I loved. I was a crappy parent to my children at times. Everything I touched fell apart. I had zero motivation to be a good person. God hated me. Why should I even try to be this good Christian? It didn't matter. Because if there was a God, He wasn't there for me.
14 months ago, my 12 year old came home and asked to be baptized. He had been attending Youth Group with his best friend. I asked him if he knew what it meant, and he told me that it meant he was ready to give his life to God and live his life the way God wanted him to live. So, I reached out to the Youth Minister at church and we began the process of getting Damien ready to be baptized.
One day, he looked at me and asked me to be baptized with him. That one question changed my life.
On May 5th, 2013, Damien and I were baptized together into the Christian Faith. 15 years since walking away from the church and turning my back on God, I found myself asking God for another chance. The amazing thing about God is He doesn't give up on us. So even while I was making one mistake after another, even when I said He didn't exist, He was there patiently waiting for me to realize I was mistaken. His heart was broken, but I believe that God let me go because He knew I needed to go through all of that. He knew that the Only way I would ever find my way back to Christ was to walk through that fire. And, looking back, during that time, I can almost promise that even though I wanted nothing to do with God, He was still walking right along side me. He was still there. He never left me. He waited for me. He loved me enough to let me go.
I am not perfect. I sin. I ask for forgivness. I sin again. I struggle some days to trust God enough to let him have control. Other days, I have no problem letting go. Sometimes, I ask him why he let's these things happen. I get mad. I forget to thank him for the blessings he's bestowed on me. I complain. But, God doesn't want me to be perfect. He's okay with me being me. He's going to continue to walk this walk with me. He's going to let me trip. But, He'll never let me fall.
And for that, I am grateful.
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